Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
