we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
