I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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