Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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