I need to stop coming to work sober
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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