there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
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I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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