I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
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Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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