Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
