My underwear smells like fireworks.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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