Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
