I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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