how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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