I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
