I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
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I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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