I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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