is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
