I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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