Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
