I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
