She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
