Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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