I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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