Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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