plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
did i walk over a car last night?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's shark week go big or go home
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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