happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
