the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
