if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just google imaged poop.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
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So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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