i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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