I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
