So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
