how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
