I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
