As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And then my night got REAL pukey
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
