i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
