my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
