It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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