dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
