I didn't shave. On purpose
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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