All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
