allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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