if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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