I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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