Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
