He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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