just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
