Even the bartender felt bad for me
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
