Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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