Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
