I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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