Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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