Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
