So drunk its hurt
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
