I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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