his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
