new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
