I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
