Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
