mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
