I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
