I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
where are my eyebrows?
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